


To Love Is To Hate; To Do Both Is To Lose

by SerLadyJenn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x03, Angst, Break Up, Feels, I rewrote it, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Season/Series 15, That Destiel break up scene, up the pain x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25100047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerLadyJenn/pseuds/SerLadyJenn
Summary: “Jack’s dead.” Dean couldn’t see Cas’ face but he could hear the waver in his voice, “Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.”Cas half turned to look at Dean, and Dean’s breath was taken away at the pure unadulterated pain in the man’s eyes. But Dean was still in the middle of his own conflicting emotions, couldn’t even fathom attempting to feel anything but contempt for him at the moment.“And I have no one, as always. I think it's time for me to move on.”15x03 break up scene written with some more pain
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 68





	To Love Is To Hate; To Do Both Is To Lose

**Author's Note:**

> My little attempt at writing the break up scene. I of course watched the scene for inspiration but actions, emotions, words don't perfectly match up on purpose - I even added a couple of words, all to add some pain and originality.
> 
> Also 100% not edited, expect mistakes

“How’s Sam?”

Dean swallowed the bitter taste of alcohol, whether it be from the actual drink or a byproduct from the voice who asked the question he couldn’t tell. He turned and walked over to the other side of the table, as far away as possible from the other man. Angel? He couldn’t find it himself to give a shit right now. 

Cas was clearly expecting some kind of reply so he grudgingly threw out, “Not great.” Of course Sam wasn’t great, he just had to kill someone he considered a friend. Another death following the same playbook given by Billie. Another death of a friend. Another loss. 

Cas couldn’t even look him in the eye, head pointed downwards to avoid eye contact. “Sorry about Rowena.”

“You’re sorry?” Dean said incredulously. What right did Cas have to be sorry? Acting as if his actions didn’t cause Rowena’s death himself. The meaningless words only fueled his anger towards the other man. They wouldn’t be in this goddamned mess if he had just followed the plan. Sam wouldn’t have to be swimming in guilt and depression right now but instead, as always, Cas has to screw it all up. It seemed that was all the broken angel ever did lately, “Why didn’t you just stick to the game plan?”

Cas looked up, heat flowering in his eyes and mouth already opened to refute, “Belphegor was lying.”

“Belphegor is a demon!” Dean couldn’t believe he had to say this. He wasn’t fucking born yesterday, he knew the demon must’ve had ulterior motives to helping them but those worries were all second. The only thing that mattered was getting the ghosts back to where they were supposed to be.

“He was using us,” Cas continued, blue eyes quietly flaring with fire that Dean wouldn’t openly admit but secretly loved to see. It reminded him of the Angel he had first met all those years ago in the barn, powerful and scary. So full of life and fight. Now after all these years he was just a shell of the Angel who once dared to call Lucifer an assbutt and it made Dean even more upset towards him, “he wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, everything.”

“Yeah and we would’ve figured it out - after! _With _Rowena!”__

__“The plan changed Dean. Something went wrong. You know this, something always goes wrong”_ _

__In a fit of anger and bitterness, the words spilled from his mouth without thinking, “Yeah and why is that something always seem to be _you _?”_ _ __

__

__

__The instant he said those words he knew they were going to hurt Cas. And he couldn’t even find it in himself to care. Being useful and needed was all Cas ever wanted. It’s why he always was the first to sacrifice himself; the Winchester curse of non-existent self esteem._ _

__There was a pause, long enough to see Cas’ broken expression. Long enough to see the complete and utter heartbreak on the man’s face. To see those eyes that were once bright with fire a second ago turn dull and glassy with unshed tears._ _

__Dean broke eye contact, looking downwards, unable to continue watching the person he loved(loves?) break down in front of him. Slowly falling apart because of his own cutting words. A tiny part of him felt bad, the part that knew it wasn’t really Cas’ fault and Dean was just upset and sick of the nonstop losses they seem to accumulate everywhere they go._ _

__But the larger part of him, the ugly part, hungrily took in the sick satisfaction of seeing Cas in pain. To know he was hurting just as much as Dean was. Dean had lost his mom, yet again, because of Jack and was betrayed. Betrayed by Jack, who Dean reluctantly took in as family and slowly saw him as some pseudo son. Betrayed by Cas, again, for what seems like the 100th time._ _

__Dean was tired. So so tired._ _

__“You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt,” Cas gave an incredulous, weak laugh, “Now you can barely look at me.” Was Cas’ voice getting lower or was it just him? Heavy with emotion?_ _

__“My powers are failing. I’ve tried to talk to you, over and over and you just don’t wanna hear it.” Cas’ tired voice full of grief washed over him, confronting him with truths Dean didn’t want to hear. Wasn’t ready to hear. He could feel his own lips tremble and he desperately moved his eyes, hoping to stop the onslaught of his tears prickling his eyes. He was barely holding on with Cas’ next words._ _

__“You don’t care. Not about me. I’m dead to you.” Cas simply stated, as if it were a casual fact. As if he was used to being to everyone treating him like last Tuesday’s garbage. Like it was even expected at this point._ _

__He could’ve stepped in, stopped Cas and reassured him it wasn’t true. That he thought the world of Cas and knew it wasn’t his fault. He could walk up now, grabbed that trench coat and kissed him, hugged him, do that stupid pat on the back, just something to get him to stop the self loathing words from coming out of his mouth. They could spend the night talking about everything. Or talk about nothing and just lay in Dean’s bed curled up next to each other, pulling comfort from one another._ _

__Dean could feel it, his foot twitching to walk towards the other man. The movement miniscule but the intent the same; to go to Cas. To do what he didn’t know. He just needed to go to Cas._ _

__“You still blame me for Mary.”_ _

__And just like that the complete need disappeared at the mention of his dead mother. Dead again. Because of Jack. Because of Cas. A flood of emotions hit Dean in that millisecond and just as quick as his foot moved to go to Cas it moved back._ _

__Mind made up, he couldn’t help the movement of his head, confirming Cas’ assumption. His throat was too swollen, too full of grief and anger to even try and say anything else._ _

__“Well I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” Cas started to turn away, towards the door, away from Dean._ _

__“Where are you going?” Dean somehow was able to demand, against all emotion blocking his throat. Even then, it was a pretty useless question. It seemed pretty obvious what Cas was doing._ _

__Cas was leaving. Leaving Dean. Again. But this time Dean didn’t feel the crushing heartbreak that usually came with him leaving._ _

__“Jack’s dead.” Dean couldn’t see Cas’ face but he could hear the waver in his voice, “Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.”_ _

__Cas half turned to look at Dean, and Dean’s breath was taken away at the pure unadulterated pain in the man’s eyes. But Dean was still in the middle of his own conflicting emotions, couldn’t even fathom attempting to feel anything but contempt for him at the moment._ _

__“And I have no one, as always. I think it's time for me to move on.”_ _

__There would be no coming back from this. This didn’t feel like any of the other fights they’ve had in the past where later on made up. No, this felt like a goodbye. A final goodbye. If this was some soppy romance drama it would be considered a break up._ _

__To Dean it was freedom. It was anguish._ _

__At the end of the day and the bottle of bourbon, all it was was another loss added to the list_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank ya for reading, hope you teared up a little. Might attempt writing from Cas' pov but who knows


End file.
